Out of the blue, a friend asked on MSN:

albert are you gay?
hahahahaha why
tell me honestly, are you?
why do you think so ah
hmmm
you think i like rainbows? you wanna introduce me to a guy?
do you have frens who are gay?
yes, i have friends who are gay
ok..do you know how diff gay?
how different?
how to differentiate lar
well, gays usually like Mariah Carey
really?
yeah
why arr?
why la you asking
cuz arr...hmmmm im kinda fall for someone lor... frens all suspect he is a gay
then he probably is. :P
arr?
introduce to me la, then i find out for you ;)
u know why..cuz that's usually a guy in and out with him, wearing the same design pendant, same hair style
means matching?
hmm... what do u think?
how about his shoes? are they very clean?
yeah. very
OOOOOOOOOO
he's my instructor lar
instructor for? gym?
yeah
is his hand soft? i mean, like when he talks, does he flop his hand
hmm i didnt notice
means don't have la? wait wait, why you suspect me aaa?
maybe yes but i didnt notice
how would you know if i am gay?
i dont know... heard from ed long time ago, i couldnt remember
so why did he say that?
hahaha
i mean, he got reasons ah? i mean, i thought i look pretty straight
you heard from Ed... or Shaz?
yo you there?
wait arr on the phone
ok

If I told her I wasn't, I would not be able to find out why she thought I was gay.

The next day, I watched Actorlympics, where the flamboyant gay guys were the funniest, as always.

The day after that, I was kissed by a guy. Two girls made a deal; "you guys kiss for two seconds, and we'll make out for 30 seconds."

It didn't matter to me whether they did it or not, I've been there, seen that. And I didn't mind a meaningless kiss from between straight guys, because really, in the end, we did it not because we wanted to see them make out, but because they so obviously wanted to make out so badly, and needed some excuse.

But hey, guys kissing are a lot more precious than a mere 30 seconds. And if I wanted to see girls making out in real life without having to kiss a guy, I could hop over to Frangipani when it is their ladies night.

I went to dance, and when I came back, apparently all the guys had kissed each other.

Or maybe they were just getting back at us, as the girls wanted to drop by Frangipani before Zouk.

Finally, I made up for all the gay debauchery on Saturday. Bored of all the Klang Valley malls, I headed to Jusco Seremban 2 (there you have your answer for the sign) with LIMITED EDITION 01. The place smelled of food all over, and it reminded me of Ikano a lot; parallelogram-shaped wide shops and modern, brightly-lit design.

Unfortunately, I am not able to tell a story as imaginative as hers, so I'll just say we went to watch Pink Panther. It was well-executed slapstick. However, watching Mr. Bean on TV, I still think the British are the best at slapstick and comic timing. In Mr. Bean, for example, the kid uses a remote control to control a toy boat. The remote seems to be spoiled, so Mr. Bean hacks the remote control, and unwittingly makes it take control of a electric wheelchair. He then drives the boat across the pond, with the poor man in wheelchair rolling in the background. He hands it to the kid, and the kid turns it, unaware that the wheelchair is about to crash into him.

With Pink Panther's style, you'd see the wheelchair hit the boy into the pond, with a splash, and the man's expression as he flies into the water. Funny.

With Mr. Bean, they cut to the next scene. Funnier.

Interestingly, Inspector Jacques Clouseau is seen in one scene downloading a ringtone for System Of A Down - B.Y.O.B.! Rock on, old incompetent Frenchman.

More interesting was the taxi ride to KL Sentral; the taxi driver asked, "You pergi mana? Seremban?" Caught by surprise, I mumbled, "Bukit Bintang". Then he asked, "jumpa amoi?"

On Sunday however, I found the love of my life! I never had the real thing in my hands until late last year; one was from London, the other, Australia. We could have a few quickies under one minute. People would look at us on the LRT.

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ARGH! After I got Hannna to get me one from Selfridges London, and Ed got me one from Australia, I finally found this, at RM24.95 at Toys'R'Us Express, The Mall, near Putra World Trade Centre. Bloody hell that's USD 6.56 (online, USD12)! Why was it cheaper? I found that they stuck a white label over the Milton Bradley and Hasbro Toys logos. No wonder it was cheaper!

It felt more consistent than the Australian cube, solid and did not lock. It didn't seem like friction, but it felt slower, and slower it was; 74 seconds was twice my record.

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Guess what this is.

Anyway, I got off the Kepong KTM Komuter station, and the walkover was in darkness. I heard some skinheads laughing rowdily in the background, with black jackets, studded belts, boots and blond mohawks. In the darkness, I heard some tapping; it was a blind man, to my left, with a walking stick (as in, a stick that aids his walking, not a stick that walks.)

"Abang mau pergi mana?" (Where do you want to go brother?)

One of the skinheads was guiding the blind man!

They joked about the darkness and how they could relate to him. All four of them sent him off past the ticketing machines.

A touching moment, not easily captured on film due to the lack of light all around the station.

People in subcultures are still helpful Malaysians, you know.

Sarah asked me once why I do not put pictures of chicks much. Well, quite simply, I was being proper and permission-asking, I told her, since some people get all hissy about it. Or maybe she just wanted some pimpage on my blog, read by loads of rockers, lesbians, geeks, colleagues, alcoholics in denial, bloggers who don't step out of their homes, amateur photographers, friends, Romans and countrymen. :P

The subject for today is: How do you tell if a girl is gossippy? Quite simple.

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Subject A is seen here on the phone. What does she do with her other hand while on the phone? Twirl her hair, of course. (Note that hair-twirling only happens at a comfortable length; thus, if she has twirls and curls at the top of the head, it is unlikely that it is caused by her message-disseminating pastime.)

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However, the girls you really gotta watch out for are those with straight hair. Why? They don't have twirls, because both hands are busy holding phones. :P

15th January 2006 was the second and last time I'd ever step into the new No Black Tie (the first was for Moonshine KL). The authorities then decided to revoke the license. Argh!

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I just realized who Jerome Kugan sounded like. Stephen Morrissey. His unique clean, glass-like voice and vocal inflections reminded me of the great satirist songwriter. I was listening to Black Smiths - How Sweet Is Leaf and realized that it sounded very familiar. Research followed, and I found out that it was from The Smiths - How Soon Is Now. You may recognize it, covered by Love Spit Love, as the Charmed theme song.

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Deserters featured Izuan Shah of Auburn and Kawalski (I think.) I'd have to say I prefered Izuan's alternative rock stuff to this more straight folky stuff.

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Keng, from Furniture, was a good ol' rock and roll superstar here, with Azmyl Yunor's rarely ever seen band. He had the bluesy rock licks, the desirable red Gibson SG, and loads of stage time to let loose, gazing at the fretboard instead of his shoes.

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It was also Azmyl's birthday.

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Broken Scar sees the light.

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His brother backs up on major key acoustic goodness.

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Shahril of Sofa Sessionists has just one bass tone; dancy. Ariff squeezes my soul everytime he does a Red Hot Chili Peppers cover. :D

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Eu Seng and his band...

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...the enveloping void of darkness. I can't decide which picture better depicts the lonely melancholy of his haunting songs.

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Zack Tay Yee Meng pops on stage for an open mike. As always, his Taylor glows on stage.

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Finally, our favorite underground scene defender and jail-bailer, Rafil of 360 Degree Head Rotation and Panda Head Curry ends the show.

The next Troubadours will be at KL Performing Arts Center this Sunday! Head on down for a heck of a scenic view.

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So my eBow Plus finally arrived. Yup, this baby creates feedback on guitar strings, allowing me to make violin-like, attackless sounds with the guitar. Harmonica, flute, string sections, theremins and the like can be coaxed from a guitar. It came with a badge which implied "no picks allowed" but I don't use picks anyway. :P

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I was thinking of getting new strings while at it, considering how likely I'd get rabies from the old ones. I got myself Elixir .011 Polyweb strings. Shiny, smooth buggers with a coating that would protect it from rust and grime, allowing it to last 3-4 times longer than normal strings. Sadly, it was the only one left, or else I'd have gotten the electric ones, at most .010 or .009 gauge. This one however was for acoustic, and had a wound third string. :( Blues bending would need lots of strength and practice on the third string. Also, because the strings were slippery, I was more likely to lose my grip while bending, for the strings to painfully snap back.

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I also could not locate pliers (I don't have a string cutter) so what do you do with leftover wire? The Polyweb strings could not snap just by bending it back and forth!

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And so, I made my Yamaha look like a BC Rich. Cellotape them up and your guitar's looking sharp.

Sadly, the Polyweb strings make it a lot harder to activate the feedback on the eBow. Recordings shall come soon enough; I've been playing The Beatles - Yesterday for a while now, and now I can lay down the backing string sections with the eBow!

There you go people, a guitar-related post. How could you guys not know that I play guitar? I even have a metal guitar slide, a ukelele and a wah pedal!

On a side note, check out Zack Kim's blog! This crazy shredder shreds with Cosmic Funk Express and now shows off how he can play two guitars with two different guitar lines on video! Where? On Zack Kim's site, of course!

So I went for a movie marathon with a cheesy chick, who, with the magic of her Steadyshot Sony Cybershot T9, has managed to capture a picture with the right angle and lighting such that it looked like I slept a good 8 hours every night.

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Some of you may recognize the shirt.

Some of you may also notice that I don't usually camwhore; that is because with her magical skills with the uh... lighting and angle of the camera, I looked like the bed was my best friend.

Anyway, what is a movie marathon but a celebration of movies, in plural form, in more than one? Alas, two is not grand, toe-numbing and worthy of the epic porportions that the word "marathon" implies. But still.

Big Momma's House 2 was just alright, not too in-your-face black, not over-the-top, but that is subjective to how many black movies you've seen to say that Big Momma was relatively not as annoying as some other black "whatcha looking at foo?" movies.

Prime, with a name like Meryl Streep, initially scared me as I thought her name would imply a chick flick. Thank God it wasn't, and that it was a romantic comedy, with a shy Jewish momma's boy I could relate to, and an unusually hot 37-year old. Oh. Then, it was revealed that she was a model, and that she was Uma Thurman who incidentally is 36 this year. She did look familiar, but it didn't strike me who it was. A pleasantly good surprise for a movie I did not read any synopsis on, and a much more mature, logical and believable than A Lot Like Love.

I then bought the original DVD to Wallace & Gromit: The Curse Of The Were-Rabbit! The bonus DVD features include DVD games where you gotta whack bunnies that pop out of holes (very inventive use) and dressing up Lady Tottingham, for example. There's also an alternative ending. Way cool. Eat your hearts cheese out, people!

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What do you first notice about the hand?

The self-inflicted cut?
(I don't cut myself; I got this while sleeping on the bus in a weird angle, I suppose.)

The Open Minds wristband?
(I got this from the Spirit Of Independence gig, which really is for charity, for Down's Syndrome, and not some money-making Nike fad.)

The digital watch?
Well, hopefully, you'd notice it in that order. I wear the wristband so I can say that I got it at Paul's Place, for a real charity, and also to distract from the fact that I'm wearing a digital watch.

People say digital watches are uncool.

However, the same people can't read analog watches.

I love digital watches. I love the alarm. I love the stopwatch. I love the auto-resetting countdown timer on this Casio, and the Casio before that (thanks to colleagues for getting the right watch with enough features as a present or I might not wear it...) And yes, I can read an analog watch well.

On a side note, my blue hair is a distraction to my long hair which is a distraction to... something else, which I will only explain to you in real life.

He did not order his favorite dish. But he was not Albert.

He went out of his way, beyond his normal principles, beyond his definition. He was not Albert.

He kept the stupid tactless things, and objective comparisons, to himself, causing more awkwardness. He was not Albert.

He could've done something cooler. But he was not Albert.

He was red-faced when even alcohol would not flush his face. He was doing what Albert would not do.

He could've come home either happy or feeling like a failure. He came home not feeling like Albert.

He blindly did and fell right into the trap. He'd be damned if he did or if he didn't, but he certainly did not take Albert's course of action.

He apologizes for that. For it was very challenging, and excruciating, for him not to be Albert.

However, Albert will tell you what he thinks of the movie Casanova:

Quaint, richly decorated Venice landscapes and awesome cinematography emphasize on the great romanticness of this movie. However, the movie stumbles upon its mixed genres. It has excellent, sharp pokes at the church, like "is a confession all you need?" at a court. It has clever puns and double entendres, but those are few and far in between. In the meantime they have a lot of senseless, unfunny slapstick in the background. Yes, they have interesting character-swapping twists that tend to confuse, but if you're looking for something romantic with clever flirty wit, I'd go with Down With Love.

I knew a girl who loved ladybugs. And so, it was my plan for the longest time to play a prank on her give her a present. The plan? Make her red Perodua Kancil a ladybug!

I purchased black manila paper, cellophane tape, and cut the manila paper into circles, about the size of CDs.

I arranged a meetup solely for this purpose. I chose a place where I'd be able to see where she parked, namely Amcorp Mall, near Taman Jaya (where KY Speaks collected mandarin oranges). I stood outside, with camera in hand, pretending to take pictures of scenery. She didn't notice me until I waved frantically (I wanted to hop in so I could find out where she parked.) Instead, she waved back, and parked in the outdoor car park instead of inside, thank goodness.

I then waited in the shade to see which part of the parking lot she came from, so it would be easier to locate her car.

We went for a hearty lunch. Towards the end, I excused myself to go to the toilet, and knowing Amcorp Mall's hidden, shady toilets, I had an excuse to take a while.

I ran down to the outdoor carpark, frantically tore the cellophane tape and plastered the pre-cut manila paper all over. The manila and tape were concealed in my cargo pants pocket (why would I bring a bag to the toilet?)

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Okay fine, I only taped it to the front and right side but that was enough to be seen.

I then ran back, and found that the iced lemon tea I was drinking was gone! I insisted on walking her back to her car to see her reaction.

I've done enough straightforward storytelling, so it's time for you to guess her reaction.

"Hey uh, since you can't really drive a ladybug around, here's a smaller toy ladybug." (Which I produced from my other side pocket.)

Anyway, Happy Valentine's Day to everybody. Instead of slobbering in mushiness or moping about, you could blog about cool, ingeniously sweet things you could do. Or you could take a friend's girlfriend out. Taxi drivers will relate to you their stories of how they learned another language for their loves!

I went shopping, by myself, for fashion items! A phone conversation with my distraught-friend-cum-information-counter gave me just enough steam to walk into a girls' accessories shop... to look for a metal hairband.

It was then I discovered how daunting it was. I tried a few, but they were either too tight or too loose, or propped on my hair at the wrong angle, to make me look like a princess with a black metal tiara. (RAWR.)

The shop assistants were blur also, as to what I wanted. I was indecisive! They did not know whether I should get the one that looked like a curved spring, or the one that looked like a curved comb that looked like a torture device clamped around victims' necks.

I bought the curved spring eventually, out of pity, since I tried about everything there.

I should've brought a female friend to help me with my decision. Of course, if she was fashionable, she'd probably grab some trinkets herself. Gah. Patrick where are you? I need a gay buddy now. To go shopping and telling me what to get, that is. No you can't come with me to the dressing room. Yeah I finally caught Queer Eye For The Straight Guy.

No wonder girls can be indecisive when shopping, or trying out different articles of clothing and having a hard time deciding (and giving their partner a hard time convincing her that the black top does look better on her). It's not the inherent fact that she's a girl and she is indecisive. Female shop assistants usually don't help you with decisions!

Now compare this to a male shop assistant, who sternly and brashly tells you, "get the Fujifilm F11. Seriously. I can tell you that this has the best quality pictures because of its high sensitivity and low noise."

Justifying fashion to a girl is quite impossible. To the girl who swore off silk, well you otherwise wear clothes that flatter you and I do check you out when you're walking in front and... oh well, I still say stupid things.

I have a confession: I get a certain twinge of laziness when it comes to fashion. I had the money to go get my hair done (that phrasing sounds feminine) dye my hair but I never got around to it until my sister asked if I wanted to share. I never got around to buying jeans until I made a deal with a friend which involved her helping me pick jeans, because I really don't know these things.

P.S. I never knew that I had polo shirts all this while. Polo shirts sound like some exclusive golfwear. Turns out that they're just collared shirts with two buttons. Sometime back, I also found out that I had khaki pants after all. Well sue me for being fashionably incompetent, I'm not homosexual. And maybe, my slight homophobia (or rather, fear of gays, and not lesbians) transcends into fashion-phobia as well.

P.P.S. Michelle you owe me a bath! Make sure you scrub deep.

I was walking from Pasar Seni to Masjid Jamek, downtown KL, when two Malay guys and one Malay girl were walking in my opposite direction. We would not walk into each other's path, but suddenly one of the guys veered towards my direction, with his hands up like a bear's, and a comical expression, and he said gruffly:

"GIVE ME YOUR MONEY!"

He then grabbed me moderately. I mean, like a bear would, but lighter. But not sissified either.

The way he played the joke, it was almost as if he knew me. Except he didn't.

I stayed cool, somehow expecting it, and guessing that his friends dared him, so I turned to look at his friends, as they looked at him weirdly. He then smiled and I patted him off dismissively.

What was strange wasn't just that he did that to a total stranger, but also that the total stranger totally understood what he intended to transpire, and played along. I have crazy friends who would do that! (To me, not to total strangers, of course.)

I then checked my pockets, and nothing was lost. A few hairs did stand up, but I was otherwise cool.

Here, again, is proof that Albert procrastinates the wrong things. He breaks program schedule to show you this cool trick, brought to you with the power of two polarizers in front of a digital camera. In order - a linear polarizer (must be linear), circular polarizer, digital camera. Yep, my circular-linear-wannabe-neutral-density filter.

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The setting? A traditionally scorching bright sunny day, with the absolute EVs scorching at around 15. Perfect, they say, for outdoor action photography, as every shot will be scorchingly lit with shutter speeds of about 1/250 seconds at most. The subject? A lion dance performance.

Of course, I wanted a different effect than to see the lions being immobilized in mid air. I wanted to convey motion, something you would not be able to do even at F8.0. Cue the crossed polarizers!

Settings? ISO 50, aperture priority (anywhere between F2.6 to F8.0) and EV -1. Pardon the composition of the pictures, I was focusing on getting motion in cool ways.

But first, a peek into the mind of a lion:
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This is a regular shot, no movement, no filters:
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I then attach the filters, and turn the linear polarizer (the outer ring) to reduce the light coming to the lens, letting the camera to choose a slower shutter speed:
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Motion looks better in wide shots.
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By chance, I got this; one still, the other two moving.
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So that's how it's done!
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Big drums and heavy beats. How could you not headbang to this?
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Nod your head yo.
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Another way to make use of shutter speed is to pan with the subject, like so: (Note the Queen T-shirt!)
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A faster-moving panned subject.
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Show's over, boys.
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Happy Chinese New Year to all of you! (Yes, this is still valid till the day oranges are thrown into rivers.)

The legal age to purchase cigarettes in Malaysia is 18 years of age, but did you know that the legal age to sell cigarettes is 21?

Knowing this, you could annoy your young friends. Ask if you could have a cigarette. Then, ask for another.

"Eh. Not free you know. Cigarette prices keep increasing, you know?"

That's when you bust his entrepreneuring ass.

Of course, if you have a friend who would give you a cigarette for free, you might wanna keep him/her.

This also explains why there are cigarette-branded girls who walk around, collecting your information but not selling cigarettes.

Edit: Missed the not there. LOL!

P.S. Albert does not smoke cigarettes and does not suggest that you smoke as a social skill. I've seen enough newbies tipping ash over girls' skirts, puffing awkwardly and coughing frantically after that. Please don't do it because you wanna look cool. Albert however is a proponent of freeloading, so he won't be hypocritical and tell you not to mooch off your friends. :)

11 PM, Friday, February 3rd 2006, location: KL Sentral

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For the first time ever, KL Sentral's concourse area was clear.

Earlier, at 7pm, I was there at McDonalds ordering. They didn't have chicken porridge or Diet Coke/Coke Light!

How could they not have Diet Coke? How could they run out? Does everybody order Diet Coke? I thought all you McDonalds junkies order Coke, the real thing, not the weak artificial imitation. I thought you all order burgers too, so how could they run out of porridge? (I normally don't order porridge but I was feeling sick.)

This is why I drink Diet Coke.

So I hopped in a cab. This post will be partially translated from Malay to English as and when I feel like; cabbie will speak in italics while I will not. Conversation may not be completely, accurately transcribed, and may be shortened by accident.

So... kau dari mana?
I dari Bangsar Shopping Complex.
Oh... kerja ke?
Nolah, I baru tengok show. Itu Harith Iskander kat Actors Studio.
Wahhh itu Harith Iskander ya? Dia boleh buat wang buat show. English market.
Er.. yeah.
Kau tau, dulu I sekolah I buat persembahan. Banyak pementasan. Cikgu pun supportive. Tapi... I keluar, I buat security guard.
Huh kenapa you tak masuk? Kalau you tau, you bagus, you boleh buat.
Oh adalah... I ada cuba jugak. Masa tu ada interview RTM. Buat newscaster. Saya ada pergi. Tapi diorang macam nak... tak nak... nak ke tak nak? So I masa tu baru tujuh belas, I tak tahu apa-apa lagi, tak tau nak pergi mana, tinggal mana, I baru datang KL 1985.

He then goes on to say how he learnt scriptwriting, and knew how to and did everything on the set.

He went on about how Kisah Benar stories lack quality, and how anyone could watch a drama and complain about how it could've been so much better. About how Rosyam Nor is just doing it for the money, without the soul. And that he was actually sponsored by an Indian company, using his name to approach big companies.

You tau sekarang punya drama? Bila dia ada scene kenduri. Dulu kan, dia buat atmosphere dia tau. Ada budak lari sini-sana. Ada budak mau kencing. Sekarang kan, dia terus pergi dialog.

I threw in my own tangent:

Look at the colors in Jefri Zain movies! I was watching ASTRO RIA and saw bright vivid nicely post-processed technicolor in Gerak Kilat. Nowadays you see baaad, bad color and horrid, dark brown skin tones. What happened to good post-processing on film? Is digital film making our local productions look horrible?

He was actually quite photogenic. He had the look, even at his age. How old?

Anak saya pun ada kata, "Abah buatlah filem..."

I told him to go and do it, the next time his friends in the scene ask him to. Because he needs to represent. Because he needs to fix what is wrong with local drama.

You've got soul, go do it.

You got a chance, go chase it. (A cabbie was once a double-pedalling drummer whose band was about to get its big break.)

He then ended by asking if I had stock options in ASTRO. Yeah, I said. Keep it, he said. He then went on about stocks and went all stock-geek on me.

Sadly, I fear that he was just being lazy about it, like a lot of us. Why aren't we getting up and doing what is right? Is Afdlin Shauki the only champion in local movies? (Okay, and Yasmin Ahmad too.)

I may not be a pious person; I believe in soul as the passion to do what is right.