I received a forwarded Powerpoint file about a Tibetan Personality Test. It was quite annoying (oh look I know how to do Powerpoint transitions! The more people this is forwarded to, the more time is wasted collectively!)

And so, I Googled the contents and paste it here so hopefully if you get the daily digest, you won't get annoyed by the animations.

(1) Put the following 5 animals in the order of your preference:
Cow, Tiger, Sheep, Horse, Pig

(2) Write one word that describes each one of the following:
Dog, Cat, Rat, Coffee, Sea

(3) Think of someone, who also knows you and is important to you, which you can relate them to the following colors. Do not repeat your answer twice. Name just one person for each color:
Yellow, Orange, Red, White, Green.

(4) Finally, write down your favorite number, and your favorite day of the week.






















(Okay so then there are more "suspense-building" screens here. OH BOY!)





Your priorities in life are
career (cow)
pride (tiger)
love (sheep)
family (horse)
money (pig)

2) Your description of dog implies your own personality
Your description of cat implies the personality of your partner
Your description of rat implies the personality of your enemies
Your description of coffee is how you interpret sex
Your description of the sea implies your own life

3) Yellow: Someone you will never forget
Orange: Someone you consider your true friend
Red: Someone that you really love
White: Your twin soul
Green: Someone that you will remember for the rest of your life

4) You have to send this message to as many persons as your favorite number and your wish will come true on the day that you recorded

This is true, even if you are not superstitious.
Please do this. It is fascinating. SEND THIS E-MAIL MANTRA TO AT LEAST FIVE PERSONS AND YOUR LIFE WILL IMPROVE.
0-4 persons: Your life will improve slightly
5-9 persons: Your life will improve to your liking
9-14 persons: You will have at least 5 surprises in the next three weeks
15 or more persons: Your life will improve drastically and all that you wish will come true

Now this is funny because in quizzes like these, I always pick a horse, not because it represents family, but because it is practical, can be rode, does not stink, does not run off, can intimidate smaller animals, and in the worst case scenario, could even be eaten. Okay a cow comes second in terms of practicality, plus you can milk it, though it won't be fast.

Believe it or not, I actually have Power Ranger friends. Namely, friends who I associate with those colors because they're always wearing those colors!

P.S. This is not a jab at anyone who forwards such files; I just thought that the one particular bugger who had time to convert all the text into a Powerpoint file should be shot. If he/she really wanted to show his/her technical prowess he/she could make an online quiz where it would calculate the results for you. He/she could then get side income from ads.

I have definitely more than 15 blog readers. I wish for world peace!

Eating at Domino's seems to be literally a Domino effect. You hit a domino, and another domino falls. So on and so forth until every domino falls, making pretty colored patterns and raking in money for the (not so) fast pizza chain.

Sometime ago, I was bumming around Subang Parade, and I saw Nando's and was reminded of the last time I had dinner there with Leech. Feeling lucky (I bumped into quite a few people on the same day they contacted me) I called her and whatdyaknow? She was there too.

We went to Domino's because she had these discount coupons, and we tried the double decker crust pizza. We were also conned by the fine print (details on her blog). I explained the problem to the manager-like person. When the bill came, they gave me those same three discount coupons! We left, and the waitress smiled and thanked me. Leech grumbled, "no need to smile at me ah..."

This wasn't the first time people in the service industry smile or say goodbye to me, totally ignoring and (thus) incensing whoever I'm leaving the joint with.

I kept the coupons till one fateful day I was in Subang Parade again, and I had a personal pizza this time, using the coupon.

Anyway. I wonder if people only eat at Domino's because they have coupons. I wonder if people go:

"Hey! So where do you wanna eat?"
"I don't know... where do you wanna go?"
"Hmmm. Domino's looks good. Not as thick crusted as Pizza Hut."
"Hmmm yeah. But do you have a discount coupon?"
"Argh. Nope. Ah well, let's just go when we do have one."

Domino's has never successfully delivered pizza to my office on time. They screw up office extensions! Everytime we collect the pizza, we get a coupon/card so that we get the Domino effect. Sucky service yes, but a brilliant marketing strategy. They know what us cheapskate Malaysians want.

Four years ago, I was a thirsty camel. I used to lug around a 1.5 liter water bottle wherever I went, and so, I tore a few bags in the process. There was free water everywhere; a drinking water fountain at college, and a pantry at the office.

And so, when I was at a supermarket in Mines Wonderland with family, I saw a wonderful innovation. A bag where the bottom seams were such that the bottom piece was a U shape instead of a cardboard piece lining the bottom. Genius! Plus it came with many zipped pockets (instead of one). It screamed "PRACTICAL!"

Before that, having one pocket meant I'd dig out my wallet, keys, tag, and MP3 player from that one pocket, put those in my trousers, and put the pens, batteries (and other quick-access items) back in that same pocket.

Now, with two or more pockets, I could take out the items I'd want for my trousers without having to put things back. You dig?

I bet girls don't go into detail how they transfer their necessities from one bag to another to complement their outfit. Organizational science.

So there I was, content with my new bag, and its immense organizational power, gallivanting around college with my 1.5 liter water bottle. YEAH! No more bottles escaping my bag, making an embarrassing watery thump sound!

After a week of classmates and colleagues asking if I had gone back to school, I finally realized the truth.

I was wearing a primary school schoolbag.

Now if that warrants anybody judging me to be a weirdo, screw you well at least you know my justification. I see the practicality in something first, impractical fashion... later.

Right after I lost my first mobile phone, I became excessively paranoid of putting it in my trousers pocket. So I got a belt clip for my next phone. People said it was uncle-like, but did I care, when everyone else was losing their Nokia 3310 phones?

In case you're wondering, I gave my schoolbag to my younger brother after a week, and I used a lanyard (sometimes tied to a belt strap) for the next phone.

Anger! Damnation. Self-preservation.
Fear of tiny spaces.
Aggression.
Violence.
Sweat glands break loose.
Take off your shirt. Dammit.
The only barriers are people like you. Coming in like waves.

PUSH SHOVE GRAB PULL KICK PUNCH JUMP. Super combo move of the century.

I was walking in SS2 with a friend when a police car stopped, and two policemen got out.

"Apa you bawa?" (What are you carrying?)

I opened my plastic bag and showed them the Transformers I had just bought.

"Tunjuk IC." (Show us your ICs.)

We took out our identity cards.

"Korang dari kampung mana?" (Where are you guys from?)

We're from Petaling Jaya, around here.

"Oh, nama you (masukkan nama Melayu di sini) ya? You tak nampak Melayu." (Oh, your name is (insert Malay name here). You don't look Malay.)

My friend explained that his mom was Japanese. The rest of the questions were for me:

"Apa dalam poket ini?" (What's in this pocket?)

I took out my rechargeable batteries.

"Habis poket itu?" (How about this other pocket?)

I told them that it was my digital camera.

"Korang nak pergi mana?" (Where are you guys going?)

We told them that we were walking to a friend's house.

"You ada mabuk kah?" (Have you guys consumed alcoholic beverages?)

We told them that we did not, and they said "okay..." and let us off.

I won't deny that the hair I did not cut for 10 months, my lack of sleep, and my natural grunge cargo pants (it had holes and tears, but in proper places) would make me look like the biggest cocaine bust of the century.

Selamat tinggal Bungaku
Ku doakan kau bahagia
Jumpa kita di neraka

So wrote a muse in a tunnel in Midvalley Megamall. A wise, profound, and yet disturbing poem. Translated loosely, it says:

Goodbye, my flower
I wish on you happiness
Meet us up in hell

Yes, I even turned it into haiku format. :D At first glance, it sounds like a girl did him wrong. (Would a girl call a guy her flower, and if so, would she write it on a white wall with a ballpoint pen?) He however still thinks fondly of her, and wishes her the best with her new love. The twist is in "meet us"; us is probably him and whoever he fooled around with.

Oh and I finally watched The Island. Why did he have to die? He wasn't a typical evil. But then agnates die so I guess it was fair in a way. Yes I hope I'm not spoiling it for you. I may just have faith in Michael Bay to direct the new Transformers live action movie.

Oh check out what the haze brought in:
/zimages/autumnsky1.jpg

/zimages/autumnsky2.jpg

The Hungry Ghost Festival, also one of the freakiest full moons ever. This picture, and the next, were color-adjusted.
/zimages/yellowsky3.jpg

Earlier that day, this was what I saw walking out of ASTRO...
/zimages/yellowsky1.jpg

/zimages/yellowsky2.jpg

All pictures were merely sharpened and resized; no color adjustment was done except on the third and fourth picture.

Balls.

I was reading the I am a Japanese School Teacher editorials and reading about how he was subject to Kancho, a disturbing Japanese schoolkid pasttime where anime-infested kids would simulate Naruto and try to stick their fingers up other guys' butts (and grab crotches). There I was, thinking how sick it was, when I realized something.

Back when we were 13, we used to grab crotches. (I don't know if this practice still continues 8 years later...)

It was in Form 1 and Form 2 (ages 13 and 14) that we'd have this pasttime. For some reason, when school ended, we'd all run down this slope to exit the school premises. Yes, run. On the way, we'd try to grab each other's balls.

We didn't grab each other's balls while standing still, during recess, during class, or any other period. We only grabbed balls when running down the slope. It was the thrill of the chase. It wasn't a punishable offense!

We didn't find pleasure in feeling the balls, nor did we linger.

We'd plan beforehand in class to grab this other guy's balls. Knowing his class would end a bit later, we'd stake out somewhere at the beginning of the slope. He'd be strolling casually, unaware, when boom! Four guys would run out, and he'd run like a chicken. Now he wasn't shouting in fear. It was fun. The way he went "oyyy! AAA my balls!" while laughing red-facedly meant that he would not report us.

One particular Chinese guy had the best reaction. He'd retort with, "haaa, tomorrow you watch ouuut, I'll grab your balllrrrllls." (extra roll of the tongue on the pronunciation of balls.) Although he wasn't fat, he'd go, "don't touch my breaaasts" almost gay-ly. Like Rob Schneider in Hot Chick.

The best times were when we double-faced bastards catch up with one guy, just to have him shout, "eh, grab his balls instead lah!" We then turned on our leader. His "OH SHIIIT!", the expression that followed (since he was nerdy) and running up the slope was super comical. Eventually, he became a popular target.

And no, we never grabbed balls of guys we didn't know.

Quiet unassuming guys in our gang got it too. Sometimes, after getting grabbed, the guy would retaliate by lashing out to a random attacker. I didn't get it quite as much, maybe because I knew how to curl, or because I successfully became a right hand man's right hand man.

It was our way of building camaderie.

Girls had similiar games, like smacking each other's chests.

There was also bonggol, also known as ragging, tiang, lauk, tempek, one-two, three-four, corner, and other names. It would usually be the victim's birthday, and we'd crowd around him, singing happy birthday, then throwing flour and eggs at him. The female version involved water. Of course, the flour and eggs were reserved for especially popular people, or people whose birthdays were at the end of the school year. For everyday bonggols, a group of friends would grab the guy, and they'd kick and punch the guy's back. It might not even have to be the guy's birthday. We may even skip the birthday song and go straight to the war cry of "BONGGOL!!!"

Again, this was not punishable, because after all that we'd all be smiling and laughing, victim included. We'd never bonggol anybody we didn't know. To start a bonggol session, he'd have to be a friend; however, if you knew the guy's name, that would be enough to allow you to legitimately join in the fun.

The best memory I had of this was when my unpopular prefect friend (he wasn't hated, he was just famous for having a rigid straight posture) was bonggol-ed on his birthday. His class was across the school football field, and I could hear two classes being dismissed, then bonggolling him. Yeah, we heard his birthday song, and wanted in on the fun. So being the good sport that he was, he stood at the intersection, cleaning his glasses, where the rest of us whose class ended later could meet up with him and greet him.

Apparently, my sister was popular enough to have to bring clothes to change on the day before, her birthday, and the day after her birthday. The canteen must've sold loads of mineral water bottles those three days.

YAY Ah-Ha is back on 8TV at 10:30pm, Sundays, as Ah-Ha 2! Catch more educated Malaysian parody by Afdlin Shauki and Harith Iskandar! No, none of that Senario slapstick.

chez1978 has more masked messages to write on our haze masks:

• What the heck, it was free anyway.


• I am not disfigured.


• Darth Vader lives on!


• If you are reading this, stop staring please.


• Remove only to plant wet noisy kisses.


• Got hazed?


• End your plumbing nightmares. Call Ah Kau at XXX-XXXXXXX now and get a 20% discount. (Remember to make Ah Kau pay for the mobile advertising)

Anyway, this week was an interesting one full of me bumping into people (and no it did not hurt, Cheneille.)

On Friday, an ex-schoolmate called for technical support. I solved his problem, then he asked when I was free. Next week perhaps?

I then headed to the Mont Kiara Jazz Fest to catch Cosmic Funk Express with my colleague, and guess what? My ex-schoolmate came and joined us. He was my colleague's churchmate. I haev major respect for him, as Paul and him are the only people around my age who paid for their own cars completely without the help of parents (okay there's the help of a car loan...) Screw you kids who proudly insist "oh this is my car" but forget who paid downpayment.

The next day I was online at the office, and an ex-colleague bugged me about some technical stuff. I then headed to Sunway Pyramid out of boredom, following colleagues to cover an event. Across the crowd, I spotted that ex-colleague! What excellent flow. We met up for some catching up, and she dropped me off at Subang Parade.

I called the affable Nabila but alas! She was in Bangsar. I was thinking of a hearty Nando's lunch and dinner (it was 6:30pm already!) when I remembered who I last had dinner at Nando's Subang Parade with - Leech! I called, and found out she was in Subang Parade as well! We then had double-cheesy pizza; interestingly, the extra cheese was in the crust instead of on top, so it wouldn't slide about, moving the topping with it.

/zimages/doublecheese.jpg

Hannna then called just as we paid the bill, just like the last time, and Leech scuttled off like a crab again.

Yes more pictures will come. Soon.

Wearing a haze mask around town is fun, especially on the LRT. People stare at you, and you stare back at them. You feel a sense of unity with the other masked passengers.

I wouldn't mind writing "what are you staring at?" on my mask, but that wouldn't be catchy enough for the sesquipedalian Albert. So I was sitting around, thinking of eye-catching slogans for masks:

• I can take off this mask. Women in Saudi Arabia can't. (Don't wear this on the monorail!)


• Visit my blog at http://www.xfresh.com/albert


• Made in Indonesia


• Wanna share my air?


• I'm trying to quit smoking


• You and I are not breathing the same air


• The end of the world is here. I don't wanna die a virgin!


• To make sure it doesn't come off, I use superglue. It smells nice too.


• Smile if you're a wanker :) (yes, this was stolen from a Mambo T-shirt)

Drat. The Rock Around The Clock gig was postponed till further notice. So says the man woman, Irene. What about Cosmic Funk Express at the Mont Kiara Jazz Fest? Alda hopes that it rains before the show or there might not be one.

The lack of rain is just the lack of bad singers. If anyone has ever told you to stop singing, now is your turn to shine! Maybe, just maybe, if I could sneak one of my songs onto Xfresh FM and get it played nationwide, it just might work.

ASTRO rocks. They take care of their employees. I got one of these for free:

/zimages/maskman.jpg

Now I can stand behind express buses and go, "you can't hurt me!" Now I can go to the smoking section of ASTRO and hang out with the cool people.

/zimages/highsugar.jpg

Yes folks, this is a regular Coca Cola 325 ml tin, and a 5 grams packet of sugar.

It says that there is 11 grams of sugar in 100 mls, while the amount of sugar in a serving (240 ml) is 25 ml. Now who drinks only 73.8% of a Coca Cola can and leaves the rest for another day?

Supposing 100 ml had 11 grams, 325 ml has 11 / 100 * 325 = 35.75 grams. Now look to the right; a regular packet of sugar at 5 grams. 35.75 grams makes SEVEN packets of sugar!

Can you imagine drinking seven liquified packets of sugar?

Kids, carbonated drinks are bad for you. Low-sugar or "less sugar" canned drinks have 18 grams, or 4 packets. Not so obscenely diabetic.

So I was at Paul's Place, and Paul was playing the CD he usually played in between bands. Some fancy shredder rock stuff.

Me: Who is this?
He: Oh! This is Jerry Felix.
Me: The Yamaha-endorsed professional drummer?
He: Yeah. Did you know that Jaclyn Victor of Malaysian Idol used to sing for him?
Me: Really? But it's a guy singing this.
He: Oh, it's one of the other band members. She sings on some other tracks. We might play it later if this band isn't done doing their soundcheck.

Turns out I have that album! It's Jerry Felix - ... At Last! and Jaclyn sings in 3 of 14 songs. Ever wondered why her rendition of Sweet Child Of Mine was so sweet? Go get the album. She used to sing with these shredders (and drum-soloers or whatever you call drummer versions of flashy guitarists.)

Turns out Paul plays the CD in order. Those of you regulars will recognize the one with the aeroplane takeoff intro as Cherry Blossom, followed by Jaclyn's Circles and Look, Don't Touch, the hard rocking song I heard when the revealing conversation took place.

So yeah, now you know Jaclyn wasn't just a pub singer with an album.

P.S. The title does not imply that she played guitar. It's just yet another pun.

I wanna watch The Island. People say it's good.

You know, the one where it's the future and rich people pay to be cloned? And then when they get into accidents, they can get spare parts from the clones? Problem is, they have emotions too, and then one day they break out of the island, and the clones mix with the originals. It makes you wonder, are you you, or are you the clone? And...

Wait, what am I talking about? I haven't watched the movie.

At least five people who start the sentence with, "Hey, I watched The Island. It was damn good! Bla bla bla synopsis." Yes that many people have told me the synopsis without me asking. Nobody went, "Hey, I watched The Island full stop."

It must be either a really good movie, or there was a subliminal message planted in it that makes people want to tell you about it. See? I'm even telling you the synopsis. I've been told the story enough times already.

So yeah, I must watch it, so when friends go, "Hey on Wednesday I watched The Island and you know what? It's awesome, it's about..." I could go, "Yeah! I watched it already."

Then again, I could say "Yeah! I watched it already." without actually watching the movie. Now, if only I was good at pretending I watched the movie when they go, "Hey remember that part? Did you notice that..."

/zimages/transparentlcd.jpg

It's harder to make than it looks; you should have a tripod.

Yes, this is my view from the new fishtank (also known as the Xfresh office.) Yes, people who come out of the elevator can stare at us.

I went to the Macam Macam Ada gig last Saturday. Here's to more pictures!

From left to right, then down a line:

/zimages/macammacamada1.jpg

• Khai's little toy is little-r than I thought.


• Adam of Dragon Red... on bass guitar for Lied! That makes three bassists in that band already, including Amil for Warve.


• Paul's New Place has a skylight.


• Outwrite; two guitarists, one bassist, one drummer, two photographers.


• Ceramic Circle: Emo punk and a guitarist whose strap-holder broke. Funny thing is they say he looked like a hobbit. Really! The face and the curly hair! Emo bands also seem to have badly-pitched vocals. Or maybe it's hard to scream and sing at the same time.

/zimages/macammacamada2.jpg

• Az Samad takes a lot more poetic license in this rock gig; he jumps, he rocks out, he does a slow building intro, and he wows the Singaporeans.


• Thank you and goodnight!


• Daisy Chain, with pretty guitars. And some pretty good rock.


• Where is everyone getting their Ebows from? Woh Fatt doesn't sell them anymore.

/zimages/macammacamada3.jpg
Eddy is finally a true blue green rock star. Incredible! Plus he plays mean harmonica with the new cast of Triple 6 Poser (whatever happened to the name change, people?)

/zimages/macammacamada4.jpg

• Twelve-string guitars need three hands to tune.


• My Squared Circle was a much better sounding emo band; the vocals were in tune (or maybe the vocalist was singing to an easier style of emo). They were also chewing gum! Even the vocalist! Maybe that helps. Emo bands probably chew gum and face their butts to the audience, flashing their underwear brands.


• Poseidon, featuring kickass flashy shredder. Cool scales and double tapping on one guitar, as well as two guitarists tapping!


• Deja Voodoo was the only band that could follow such skill. Sadly, Rithan lost the locks that made him look like Dimebag Darrel. Yes Fazri, that is two Thundercats logos on his guitar.


• The Blumps were cursed as a finishing act as I was broke and had to hitch a ride with Hannna.

Well yeah end of story. Not.

/zimages/greysky.jpg
It's the end of the world! The haze came down for a visit on Tuesday. I couldn't stop myself from taking loads of pictures. It was like Genting, but smelling of smoke instead.

What: Uh, a Hartamas Square gig?
When: 8pm Thursday August 4th 2005
Where: Hartamas Square
Who: Broken Scar, Soft Touch, Flatline
How much: Free I suppose, just buy a drink and plop yourself in one of those seats

What: Acoustic guitar workshop with Az Samad and vocal workshop with Shelley Leong
When: 2-4pm Sunday 7th August 2005
Where: The Music Hut, Bandar Damansara Perdana; call 03-77109198 or 012-6510445 for bookings.
Who: Az Samad and Shelley Leong
How much: RM10

What: Spirit Of Independence
When: 4pm Sunday 7th August 2005
Where: Paul's New Place
Who: Dragon Red, NAO, Furniture, Shelley Leong, Soft Touch, Tempered Mental, Y2K, Cosmic Funk Express, Jasemaine and X-cited Screamers
How much: RM12 and you get a free wristband while stocks last

What: Rock Around The Clock (or Poseidon's album launch. Kickass shredding!)
When: 6pm Friday 12th August 2005
Where: Paul's New Place
Who: Borange, Inverted Coma, Vineyard, Fuselage, Stonebay, Warve, Poseidon, Frequency Cannon, Vespertine, Cosmic Funk Express, Beat The System, Infiltrated
How much: RM15 and you get one free drink

What: Mont Kiara Jazz Fest
When: 10pm Friday 12th August 2005
Where: Sunrise Plaza Mont Kiara
Who: Cosmic Funk Express, Outrageous
How much: You can sit in front for free or buy an expensive alcoholic drink and have a seat.

What: The Fretboard Menace
When: 8pm Friday 26th August 2005
Where: KL JamAsia, No. 19-1, Jalan 22A/70A, Plaza Crystalville, Desa Sri Hartamas
Who: Az Samad, Cosmic Funk Express, Deja Voodoo Spells (and they'll do a G3-style bit at the end! I wonder who the bassist and drummer will be, though...)
How much: RM15 with a free drink; first 20 females get in free.

The reason why I advertise these gigs is because that might actually help instead of telling people how they missed a great performance. And yes, I'm going for all of them. I've also been roped in to take pictures for Irene (who will then pass it to the New Straits Times newspaper) so if you wanna appear in the newspaper, look for me and I'll make you famous. It might help if you looked like you were rocking out. Yes I admit that my digital camera's picture quality isn't that great but it was used to take that big mugshot of Frequency Cannon in NST. (Well the photographer ran out of batteries so he borrowed mine...)

The only shaky plans are the acoustic guitar workshop (until I master the art of teleportation) and the jazz fest (since I've already seen Cosmic Funk Express and have to take pictures...) Why can't they have the jazz fest clumped up into a nice Friday night like last year's, when all the bands I wanted to see all played the same night?